To All of My Skinny Friends...

Having been skinny once upon a time, I know that there are a LOT of things that all you skinny people out there take for granted. I did too. It's not your fault. I forgive you and your flat stomachs.

I took these things for granted too. It is only until you become fat that you realize how many things you are missing out on. Let me save you the headache of getting fat and just fill you in right now...

#1 Shopping at normal stores

When I was skinny the thought never even crossed my mind. I didn't know plus size stores existed. I am not sure where I thought fat people shopped.  But let me tell you... I MISS THE GAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the little things... like not being able to shop at the Gap or Anne Taylor or H&M or Banana. My sister's friend, Amy, has a cute little boutique and she is always posting the new dresses she gets in on Facebook and I want just about every single one of them. http://www.shopoliveonline.com/
I can NOT wait until the day I can place an order at her store. There is a good chance I will need a shopping intervention when I am skinny. I might get out of control. Someone call Dr. Phil!!

# 2 Wearing skinny jeans and tucking them into a fabulous leather boot

I know, I know... they make skinny jeans in plus size and they have wide calf boots... but just because they make them, doesn't mean they should be worn! Big girls should not wear skinny jeans. Period. I'm sorry! It ain't cute. Is it so much to ask for? The ability to wear some skinny jeans with a fab boot? or my Hunter wellies?or with a fabulous pair of stilettos? or a cute ballet flat? AHHH all you skinny bitches out there flaunting your small calves and toned thighs. I hate you, I hate you all.

# 3 Crossing your legs

Now, I REALLY never thought twice about this one until I was fat... fat people cant cross their legs. Crazy right??? If you have never noticed it before, pay attention and you will see it all the time now. We have to sit like men :-( I can't wait for the day that I can sit on the subway, or at a restaurant, or in a conference room with my right leg easily drapped over my left one. 3 weeks ago I couldn't do it at all. I am proud to announce that I can officially cross my legs but its not comfy and last about a min. Soon though, very soon I will be there.. I hope.

# 4 Tank tops

Yes, fat people can wear tank tops and yes they make them in our size. But they shouldnt, and I refuse. No one wants to see your nasty arm fat. Cover that flab up. I don't want to look at my own, let alone have everyone else see it. That is exactly why I have a beautiful collection of cardigans. My friends laugh at me because of my collection and everyone knows this about me. Who wears a cardigan to a keg party in the park in the middle of summer? ME! Who wears a cardigan to the pool? ME! Who wears a cardigan over a sequin dress on NYE? Me! Whatever, get over it, I am doing you a favor!!! Want me to slap you in the face with my arm fat? Didn't think so. However, it does make the hot summer months difficult. This better be my last summer of sweaters!

# 5 Airplane seats

Nothing makes me want to lose weight more than sitting in an airplane seat for 3 hours. OH  MY HOLY GOD IT IS PAINFUL!!!!!!!! Everyone has the dreaded experience of sitting next to an overweight person on a plane. Skinny people bitch and moan about it, but guess what, it is even worse for us. First of all, its embarassing. We know we don't fit but we can't afford 1st class and we can't drive across country for business meetings. We get it. Cross your stupid little legs and put your hands in your tiny little lap and go to sleep. Geez. What you don't understand is how much it hurts us physically. Two arm rests cutting into your sides, spending most of the flight hugging yourself so that your body isn't imposing on the person next to you too much. Then your back starts to hurt because you are sitting like an idiot. I DREAD cross-country flights and until I lose weight, anything international is not even an option... for my sake and the sake of the person next to me

These are just a few examples... there are plenty more but I think you get the point!

So tonight or at Thanksgiving... or whenever you say what you are grateful for... remember these things. Consider yourself lucky that you have the means and self control to not let yourself ever have to experience being fat. It ain't all its cracked up to be :-)  Don't get me wrong. I love my life and have absolutely enjoyed my fat years. But I am ready to be done with them. Time to get healthy before this stuff kills me.

And the next time you want to bitch and moan to me about how fat your think you are, just know that I am not listening because if you can fly to another country while wearing your skinny jeans from the Gap and a cute tank top without a cardigan, then you aren't fat. Find someone else to annoy because if you think you are fat at a size 6, 8, or 10 then what am I? A beached whale? Screw you :-)  The good news is that I will be joining your skinny club soon. But you still won't be able to complain to me. Seriously, don't even try.