Chocolate Baths & Pizza Slip'n'Slides

I hear you, I hear you! I am a horrible blogger and haven't posted anything lately.

My fans are beckoning me, and by fans I mean fan, and by fan I mean Tiff. But hey, I'LL TAKE IT! (by the way...thanks Tiff for trying to out my blog on Facebook! haha!)

Anyways, I have a good excuse for my lack of blogs. I had a really rough week, work wise. I lost a few big deals that I had been counting on. Unless you live in the world of quotas and commissions you may not understand how traumatizing it can be. My main focus was on surviving the week without eating my way through NYC. The thought crossed my mind. I pass 15 restaurants on my walk from the office to the subway. I wanted to buy 10 pizzas and make a giant slip'n'slide out of them or stop at the chocolate shop and buy enough chocolate that I could bathe in it.

Kate even sent me a picture to clarify what I was threatening to do...

warning: Adult Material... chocolate nudity



I wish.



Good news is that I refrained from a pizza slip'n'slide and from a chocolate bath. In fact, I didn't cheat at all. I distracted myself. Took showers, went on walks with Penny and went to bed at like 7pm every night. Hey, don't you judge me. Desperate times call for desperate measures, people!!

So to distract myself on Sunday I decided to go see Titanic IMAX 3D with my best friend, Melissa. And it wasn't just a normal plain boring IMAX theater, it was the one at Lincoln Center which is like those old school original IMAX theaters that existed before it became all the rage. Back when only museums had them. It was SOOOO big. It was probably 5-8 times bigger than a normal movie screen. We sat dead in the middle and when looking straight you couldn't see floor, ceiling or walls... only movie screen! They did an amazing job with the 3D too. WAY better than Avatar and other 3Ds. People were actually reaching out and trying to grab things. You felt like you were on deck, at the dinner table, swimming through the water, in the submarine. It was wild. There was even an intermission! haha go figure.

However, I forgot one teeny tiny problem. Movie theater food is my arch nemisis! It calls my name. It screams to me. It assaults all my senses.

The amazing smells of salty buttery popcorn... the swirling of the icy machine... the perfect popping noise of each kernal...

The glorious colors of the candy boxes...

FAT PERSON SENSORY OVERLOAD!!!!!!!!!

 It is a test of true self control. It was one of the first times I went to a movie without popcorn and a giant soda. I tried to tell myself it was not the end of an era, but a start to a new one! A healthy one! One full of water bottles and almonds at the movie theater instead! Anyways my point is that I survived. It turns out that you dont die if you dont get a tub of popcorn and a giant coke! Ha, who knew?!

Melis and I ran away from the food counter with our almonds and water bottles, put on our fancy 3D glasses, got the tissues out and enjoyed a perfect Sunday afternoon at the theater!

oh and like my new header thingy? I can't figure out how to make it smaller and less in your face... sorry

I'm Sorry, Can You Hold On? I Have To Pee..

I am not sure if anyone has ever tried drinking 1.5 gallons of water a day, but HOLY MOLY, it aint easy.

It's not just the fact that its a TON of liquid to drink and that it requires me to always be drinking or thinking about drinking water...

but I ALWAYS have to pee!!!!!

I can tolerate dragging my lovely Camelback water bottle around with me all day (which is seriously the best water bottle EVER... worth every penny!) but now my need to pee is interrupting meetings, lunches and conference calls. Oh AND it wakes me up at night!

I use to be one of those lucky people that slept perfectly through the night. Not so much these days. Now I am like an old person... or pregnant woman... yikes.

And poor Penny girl has a fear of being abandoned and feels that she must accompany me everywhere I go, even to the bathroom. It is interrupting her sleep schedule and she doesn't appreciate it either!

GOOD NEWS THOUGH! My cravings are slowly disappearing! I can watch tv commercials for oreos again! I can walk down the frosting isle at the grocery store again! I can walk down my hall (that smells like hamburgers) today and not want to rip off my nose! S-U-C-C-E-S-S. However, I couldn't enjoy my sisters blog this morning because all I wanted to do was jump into the chocolate pie and roll around in it. Epic fail. Hey, I said they are SLOWLY disappearing, I never said I was cured of them. One step at a time people, cut me some slack! I'm trying here and this is all very new to me.

Anyways, that's about it. Lost about 5lbs so far. I keep telling myself that slow and steady wins the race but I just say that to make myself feel better. I was really hoping to lose, I don't know, maybe 50lbs this week...
oh well. Maybe next week?

Oh and guess what! I like almonds! Go figure. Still trying to slay the broccoli though. arggg


(I am fully aware that most of this post was TMI but it's my blog and I can talk about pee if I want too! hmph!)

Penny, You're Fired.

Dear Penny, You are fired from being my own personal Hallmark card!!!!!

Last year I was trying to think of a creative way to send birthday wishes or sweet notes to people via text or Facebook, and well I quicky turned to my loyal side-kick (my Border Collie, Penny) for help. After all, isn't that what side-kicks are for?? To do all the stupid stuff you don't want to do? To look like a fool so that you don't have to? To be loving and loyal and never ask questions or say no?

So I turned Penny into my own personal Hallmark card. Duh.

In the beginning it worked sooo well!




I think is was the best birthday card Ian has ever recieved!

It all started to go down hill after Ian's birthday. Turns out Penny didn't really appreciate being forced into wearing signs...hmph!



Took a loooong time to explain to Penny how far a marathon is and that Melissa REALLY needed a supportive sign!

 Penny started to rebel against wearing signs! She refused to sit and would only stand and walk around trying to hide from me. It took me 30 pics to get this one.  Luckily it was enough to motivate Melissa and I'd like to think we were a crucial part to her marathon success.




Ian got a job after 9 months of being unemployeed, and if that doesn't deserve a sign, then what does??

 She got to the point that she wouldn't even stand up or let me put the sign around her!!! She just lays there with a look that says "muhaha now how are you going to hang your stupid little sign on me!?!"

I showed her! I just started to prop signs up against her! I WIN!

However, this morning I started to make a sign and well, look for yourself....

"Maybe if I hide under here she won't find me and make me where that horrible sign!"

"Maybe if I play dead she will just give up and wear her own sign!"

"My last attempt, I will just eat the sign and then she will give up for sure!"

Well, this is official notice to the world. I am officially firing my side-kick. She has become insubordinate. She ate my sign. So rude.


Marissa - 4   Penny - 1



Why can't I have these dogs?? They are AWESOME side-kicks and perfect Hallmark cards!

When In Doubt...Lie!

I knew today would be rough. I had it coming. Self inflicted pain. I must pay for my sins, my yummy yummy delicious chocolate covered or ranch dipped sins.

I made the crucial mistake of not lying to my personal trainer. I had a moment of clarity and honesty and it was the dumbest thing I have ever done. When your personal trainer asks you what you ate while on a business trip and if you exercised... LIE!! Had a few too many glasses of wine? lie. Enjoyed an amazing brownie sundae at dinner because skinny people ordered it? lie. Couldn't resist going to Chick-fil-a because they don't exist in  NJ? lie. Didn't get to exercise that one night because you were too busy playing video games with a cute engineer at Dave&Busters? lie.

LIE. LIE. LIE. When in doubt, LIE!! Or pay for it... like I did. To date, it is top on my list of biggest regrets.

Not only did my PT kick my ass for an hour straight (seriously, we scared some girl out of the gym)... but she wouldn't let me complain about it :-( Helllllllo, have you met my family? We are nothing if not drama queens! It's how we roll. Otherwise I have to scream "GIVE ME ATTENTION", and well, that screams desperation. Survival of the fittest bitches.

Oh and have I mentioned that she sent me my meal program for the week and my grocery list?

Um... excuse me but how am I going to survive on this??!?! I thought we could maybe just start weaning me off wings and burgers and d'lish food like that. But cold turkey? Is this really the best way!? There must be a different way! Who do I talk about this? I need to send someone a strongly worded email.

I think it goes without saying that I am going to be in a FOUL mood by Thursday. I suggest everyone just stay clear of me. Luckily I am an urban hermit and will suffer in silence (unless you are my mom or sister who will get daily calls of complaining).

Oh and good news. I lost a pound last week. Not life changing BUT I was just happy that I didn't gain 10lbs.
I'll take it.

This Treasure has already started to shrink! ekkkk

Me vs. Wild

This is my life.

Well at least it has been for the last 4 days.

How did this happen?

How did I get myself into a career that involves me spending a week learning about Cloud Computing and Major Market Trends?!?

Luckily I am a nerd and I love it BUT it isn't helping me lose any freaking weight!! This career revolves around wining and dining and you never want to be the one not participating. SEE! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!

Anyways, to make things a little more fun for us, my fearless leader decided to take us out to Dave & Busters and make us do a team building exercise. Oye. Sounds dreadful right? WRONG! Ok, everyone hated it but true to form, I lovvvved it! It was a survivor exercise. The scenario was that my team's helicopter crashed in the middle of a blizzard on Mt. Rainer and they gave us a list of 12 things that we had on board, and had to list them in order of importance.

So I should explain that I am the only woman on my NY/NJ team and I am the youngest by about 15 years. They come to me for celebrity gossip, fashion help, advice about their teenagers and to talk about trashy tv... not exactly the most important topics. However, I explained to them that I watch A TON of "SurviorMan", "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and "Man vs. Wild". If that doesnt make me practically a survivor expert, then what does? Oh and hellllllllo, I've read The Hunger Games twice, geeze. "Trust me guys, I will save us and get us off this mountain!" I proudly announced. But nooooo, lets not take Marissa's advice, lets take the advice of the 2 people that live on the Upper West Side. "Um guys, navigating the NYC subway system in the concrete jungle doesn't count. YOU ARE GOING TO KILL US!!!"

So we did our individual ranking of the 12 objects and then we worked as a team and had to do a team ranking. Like I said, no one listened to me and none of my rankings matched up. Then my fearless leader announced the correct rankings and guess what!! I got every single one correct on my individual ranking!!!!!!! My team of course didn't get any correct. We died.

So this week I was suppose to learn about cloud computing and major market trends, but the one thing I really learned was that if I ever get stuck in the mountains with my team, I am going to kill them all and save myself because they really just drag me down. Don't worry, I will be humane about it. Kill them in their sleep or something?

I think its fair to say that "survivor skills" and "first aid" have been added to the list of "Things We Go To Marissa For" :-)

Bad news though, I ate SHIT all week. Every bite was d'lish and I enjoyed every moment. Back to reality tomorrow and back to getting my ass kicked by my PT. She is going to be SOOOOO mad at me. I'll be shaking in my running shoes on Monday morning.

I Hate My Sister.

Ok, ok, I don't really hate my sister... its just that she is the one making me do this blog and well, to be honest, I hate blogs.

Let this be a warning, I don't read blogs and sure as hell had no intention of EVER writing one so I'm not sure if I am doing this right!

So if this sucks...IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I SELL FIREWALLS AND ROUTERS! I AM NOT A WRITER! It is also not my fault if there are spelling and grammar issues, like I said, I'm in Sales, I am not a teacher (or any other profession that requires a knowledge of proper english), oh, and another reason there could be possible spelling mistakes is because OH MY HOLY GOD MY BODY HURTS. My ENTIRE body, serioiusly every inch, it even hurts to type this, so I can't be held responsible for spelling mistakes, it hurts to much to hit the "delete" button.

I know what you are saying out there... "Marissa has finally lost it, she is 100% crazy, what the hell is she talking about? Since when is having your entire body is pain an excuse for poor spelling? And what on God's green earth has she done to make every inch of her hurt so badly? What a freak". Considering this is what my blog is going to be about, I guess it is time to fill you in. Shall I explain?

My name is Marissa and I am fat. Since some people are uncomfortable with that term let me see if I can find a term everyone is comfortable with... overweight, chubby, big girl, plus sized, portly, stocky, well insulated (my personal fav), tubby, obese, gordita (for my latin readers), fleshy, ect...

No matter how you spin it, I need to lose weight, and I am not talking about like 10lbs. I am talking about SERIOUS weight. All you skinny bitches out there that bitch and moan about wanting to lose 10lbs or wanting to just "tighten up" can suck it, because I am about to lose the weight equivalant to you! Ugh, I hate you all.

Anyhooo, I have hired myself a personal trainer 3 days a week and she scares the living daylights out of me. She aint messing around yall. She does not appreciate a full figured woman and is on a one-woman mission to rid this earth of over-weight people... starting with me. YIKES!




This is my PT. Scary right?!?! ahh

(I stole this pic off her website, I hope I don't get sued! ekk!)



                                  

She is the reason I can't move and can hardly type! She tried to kill me this week, TWICE! I seriously feel bad for the person that lives above, below and next to my apartment's gym because I am pretty sure I sounded like I was pushing twins out of me while doing planks. They are the devil's exercise. I tried to explain to her that I was too fat to do them but she is heartless and suffers from selective hearing and made me do them anyways.Can you believe that?! Do you feel bad for me yet?!?

She won, I lost. Epic fail. I have a feeling she will win every time until I am skinny. Luckily for her, I am okay losing these battles as long as I lose weight at the same time. And well, that is what this blog is for... to document what I assume will be a funny and hopefully entertaining journey to become a super hot, stunningly beautiful, shrunken Treasure.